To: everydayMOM
From: Dedicated Reader
Subject: time to call it quits

Dear everydayMOM,

NOW look what you have done!!!

I saw you last night. I saw you giggling so hard you couldn’t even go to sleep after you wrote that post. I saw you driving around in your car all day laughing about that made-up quote from the Blogger people.

You should know by now that NORMAL people don’t understand our warped sense of humor! When will you ever get it through your thick head that normal people DO NOT have imaginary friends? They DON’T have split personalities. And they DON’T even have dramatic and irrational mood swings. Most of your readers are N-O-R-M-A-L-P-E-O-P-L-E!

Now you have gone off and played with the emotions of even your lifelong friends and blood-line relatives with your silly little jokes that only WE find funny! How could you do this?

Oh, and by the way, I just got THIS e-mail from the GOOF-BALL POLICE. In fact, it’s from the Chief Officer of the Worldwide Internet Blogging Goof-Ball Tracking Unit of the Western Hemisphere:

“Dear everydayMOM. We would like to notify you that you are in serious violation of manipulating the emotions of innocent blog readers by threatening to quit. If we see this type of activity again, your wireless Internet is going DOWN. Believe me, we have confiscated iTouches for offenses less agregious than this one. So, watch yourself.”

Listen, everydayMOM. I really think your problem is that you keep comparing yourself to all of those other cute little bloggers out there. I know. I know. They can post a new casserole recipe and within minutes they have 14 comments.

And then there’s The Pioneer Woman. You HAVE to quit reading her blog. Come on. She gets 11,000 comments every stinkin’ time she has a contest. But I’m sure there was a day, way back in the beginning of her blogging when she only had 11 readers. At least for the first few hours, anyway.

So, stop comparing yourself to everyone else and appreciate the wonderful readers you DO have. It is almost Thanksgiving! Can’t you show a little bit of gratitude!?!

And there’s one other thing I’ve been meaning to bring up with you. I know you think that with just a little more practice you can go somewhere with your lip sync act. But, I have news for YOU. You AREN’T Mariah Carey! You ARE NOT Mandeesa!

So, get your little schizophrenic self back on that keyboard and start typing up some blog posts!

With love,
Your faithful friend and constant companion,
Emily

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